13 Dec 2005
I closed my eyes and typed every word that came out. I guess that makes this stream-of-consciousness poetry.
catch me
I'm falling
touch me
I'm fading
feel me
before I disappear
make me
be solid again
save me
make me real
I don't know
how to change
I want to
I want to end these games
so touch me
before I fade away
maybe you'll save me
maybe I will fall anyway
at least
we will know
the way it all works
why the pain grows
there has to be
so much more
here for us
before the storm
I can't
keep on pretending
that I don't
love you
like the morning
and the rainbows
I can't
pretend that
I hate you
that I'm crying for her
when the salty tears
are falling from my eyes
like raindrops
falling form saddened skies
and they're falling for you
falling for us
for all of this
broken trust
I just
want to love you
to love you
to be loved by you
my heart
is open
and beating
and bloodfilled
my heart
is growing
it's strengthening
for the fall
that comes with fading
please touch me
I need to feel you
I need to feel me
instead of feeling this
I can't rest
no matter what I do
I can't stop the voices
no matter what I think
I just want
to crawl
right out
of my skin
and see what
is there
beating within
so touch me
I'm fading
I'm about to fall
I'm raining
my soul
my heart
all of me
every part
the emotions and feelings
the cosmic dealings
they are ending now
I can't seem to find
my way out
of this rat trap
of this horrible
place I'm at
I'm falling
I'm fading
I'm breaking
no, I'm broken
I don't know where
to go from here
I just want to feel
solid and real
like a wooden boy
that's been made to feel
and his painted tears
are falling for real
so help me
save me
is that too much to ask
am I really worth so little
when you mean
the world to me
every single thing
I taste your words
with every breath
and I feel your skin
in the kiss of the winter wind
as it brushes me
like a boy, not a man
I can only feel you
inside of me, outside of me
somewhere I cannot see
let's hop into the car
let's drive to where we are
like we used to do
when we loved wildly
in our youth
come on baby
come to me
I've always been here
and I always will be
I can't move on
when the best thing is behind me
I can't be strong
when you've given up on me
so touch me
before I fade away
feel me
make me real
change this clay to flesh
change this wood to bone
make me whole
09 Dec 2005
Questing for the sacred soul. Seeking that one that matches so divinely. The broken pieces that fit with mine to form a wondrous thing. Slivers of hope and shards of heart stirred together with flecks of tears and shavings of dreams with zest of loyalty.
Where are you? Why aren't you here?
I remember when we met. It was back in '72. In the cosmic soup of time before life. It was by that diner on the corner of 22nd and Destiny Street. You know the place? With the rainbow of floating dreams and the pancakes that make you feel like you're eating clouds?
I still remember the way you smiled from so deep inside. We hit it off so wonderfully. We spent so much time together.
We were pre-life and we felt like gods. It got boring though. I guess almost everything always does. Late one fateful night we decided to go for it. Mortality. The chance to live and die and feel things in ways that we couldn't as we were.
We never saw each other again after that. We promised that we would find each other. They scheduled me for '79. I have no idea when you might have arrived.
I remember the face of your heart. I hope you remember the face of mine. I hope that when we cross paths that we aren't too jaded by life and let each other slip by like strangers on the street.
I've looked everywhere for you but I still haven't been able to find you. So I'm staying here for a while. Here in the chaotic human wave that is Montreal.
I'm here. Come and find me.
30 Nov 2005
I remember being young; not that I'm that old now. Challenging the world, just because it was there to be done. That sense of “Nothing can stop me!” You remember that one right? That one that died out as you got older?
I still feel that exuberance from time to time. Little five minute stints of invincibility. Those fleeting moments where I feel that this time, no really, this time it will all work out. I can't fail!
Then I wake up, wander around my apartment, and finally take a look in the mirror. What do I see? I see two of me, sometimes three. The me I am. The me I could be. The me I think I'll end up being.
I actually believe it is true that I can't fail in anything that doesn't involve emotions and feelings. If all it really takes is hard work, dedication and a good attitude to succeed in something, and I want that something, then I will succeed. Hell, even with my bad attitude :P I might just manage to succeed.
When it comes to the bigger things though. The harder things. The ones that do involve emotions and feelings. Love for example. That's where I seem to fall short. It's not about hard work any more. It's not about having the best plan and giving it your all. If you don't look the right way, or act the right way %100 of the time, then %99 of people will look past you.
People always say don't worry about it. It will happen. Just give it time. It's hard to do that though, when really you only want that one thing. That thing that has managed to elude you for most of your life.
Some people turn to pills, alcohol, needles, inhalants and any number of other self-destructive outlets to try and fill the void. In this world we live in I think even more people turn to the vast expanse that is the Internet. People look for that faceless love to try and prove to themselves that they are the person who loves the person beneath the skin and not the shell that holds it.
Everything goes well for a while, and then maybe they trade pictures or meet in person. After that they go home and sit in the dark where they try to understand that they aren't that person they thought they were. They sit there and think “My God! What have I done? Who am I?” They wonder why they can't get over the fact that the other person, that person they fell in love with, is bald, or short, or fat, or blind, or disabled or any number of things.
Maybe they tell that person it just won't work out. Maybe they tell them “It's not you. It's me.” Maybe they say I'm not ready for this yet, and let the hope of a chance in the future corrode the other person. Maybe, just maybe, they tell the truth. Most likely they just vanish into very thin and virtual air. Very likely they break that other person's heart.
Now don't get me wrong. Sometimes they find out that they really are that person they thought they were and they have taken something wonderful to the next step. Sometimes it all comes together nearly perfectly. Love blossoms and grows and digs roots that are deep and strong.
And so the dance continues. The game goes on. What is there left out there but the world and everyone in it. All we need exists if we can find a way to find it. It just takes one lucky trip. One healthy stumble to a place you might never normally go. Love will find you. You will not find it. You simply can't look for something that can't be seen.
This is all coming from the fact that today I sat next to a trio of young musicians. They were talking about their music. Their album they were planning out. What instruments it would feature. How they just had to go to this studio to record because of the way the piano sounded. How excited and sacrificial they seemed. Saving X dollars per month for the studio time next year.
I swear it was so inspiring that I almost wanted to just give them the couple thousand dollars they were trying to save up. It reminded me of how I used to believe I was going to rule the world one day. I would start a company and it would work softwarian miracles of epic proportions.
I remember I was going to write programs that changed the world. Create video games that people would talk about forever. Build monuments to my belief in humanity and its spirit. Eventually branch into movies and bring wonderful stories to life that people would never forget. Ah, the big dreams. The dreams of an innocent child. How I miss them. How I love to remember them.
Sometimes I find it hard to believe that I could ever dream dreams that large. So expansive that they could touch all of humanity and I never even blinked an eye at the impossibility of it all. I wanted to create an empire that made hundreds of millions of dollars a year, and I wanted to donate at least half of it to charities and 3rd world countries. I wanted to make people's dreams come true.
I still want to make people's dreams come true. I really try to. I'm not good at it. I keep trying though. I will keep on trying. I find my happiness in making others happy.
15 Nov 2005
I woke up this morning for the 25th time as my alarm went off for the 25th time. I slowly extracted myself from the tangle of sheets and blankets. I stretched and yawned and did complex math in my head to determine if I could have just five more minutes of sleep.
The answer this time, unlike the previous 24 times, was no.
Rubbing the sleep from my eyes I wandered toward my window in a tired haze. When I pulled the curtains aside I was greeted by a wondrous site that filled me with joy. There before me was the sky painting the city in a lovely white. Angel dust feathers of snow fluttering to the ground.
Snowflakes kiss the ground
Softer than my lips touch yours
The city is born again
From dark to light, rebirth