17 Jan 2006
Touching you tenderly
Wiping away your tears
Brushing back your hair
Searching for your smile
Hidden behind your trembling lips
I want to calm them with a kiss
How can I push away the clouds
So dark and heavy
The ones that he covered you in
So that the world can see you
As bright as I do
So that you can see your light
Reflected in my eyes
But we aren't like that
We never have been
I doubt you will ever let us be
I gently kiss each bruise
Telling you that everything will be okay
Silently counting how many times I will kill him
If I ever see him without you
My hand slips around yours
You lay back on the couch
Starting to flirt with sleep
I touch your shoulder and smile
Trying to make you feel safe
I watch your eyes flutter closed
Like soft butterfly wings
I sit there with you and watch you sleep
The moth protecting the butterfly
The Beast defending his Beauty
You are so delicate and indestructable
I hope to always be your sanctuary
16 Jan 2006
Like whoa! So many things going right. So many things going wrong. So many things just being weird. My life is rolling and coasting. It's the loop-de-loops that always get me.
To sum it all up, I bring you the lyrics of a great new song I've stumbled upon:
“Closer”
What started out as desire, turned into a lover's tryst
Who knew a moth and a flame could ever spawn a love like this
And I need something to taste
Something just a little bit more sweet
But I am sour and more sour
Every time that our lips meet
[Bridge:]
If you're a butterfly I'm suicide by insecticide
If I am kerosene then you're a spark
Just begging to ignite
You'll wish you never met me
(Butterfly) Butterfly, float on by me
[Chorus:]
Never meant to cut so deep (Just enough to bleed)
Feel the sting as you get closer (Closer and closer to me)
Don't let me hold something so delicate (I'll shatter it with a word)
So say something as we get closer and closer
Damn, this is gonna hurt
The ghost of a pathetic past is haunting me here more and more
The skeletons are laughing at me through the closet door
And now past lovers share these covers
Sleeping with my enemies
Thoughts of others come between us
Trigger fits of jealousy
[Bridge]
[Chorus]
You can paint me pretty colors
And dress me how you like
I'm just an ugly moth in love
In a butterfly disguise
And I've been thinking about leaving since the day that we met
Cause if I don't get close when it's all over I'll just forget
'Cause I have seen the end so many times I've played it in my mind
And I am scared to death I never want to see your dark side
If you're a butterfly I'm suicide by insecticide
If I am kerosene then you're a spark
Just begging to ignite
You'll wish you never met me
(Butterfly) Butterfly, float my way
Never meant to cut so deep (Just enough to bleed)
Feel the sting as you get closer (Closer and closer to me)
Don't let me hold something so delicate (I'll shatter it with a word)
So say something as we get closer and closer
Damn, this is gonna hurt
Never meant to cut so deep (Just enough to bleed)
Don't say a thing as we get closer and closer
Damn, this is gonna hurt
So yeah, that pretty much covers it.
I can't seem to ever fall asleep anymore. My insomnia is coming back with a vengeance. I get a little tired around 4-5am, and then I wakeup between 7am and 9am. If I'm lucky and I completely zone out I can fall asleep until 10-11am. On work days like today it doesn't work so well though.
It's probably not even really classifiable as insomnia. I just can't sleep at night. I could sleep all morning, but never at night. This normally only happens for one of a very few reasons:
- I return to drawing
- I start falling in love
- The moon is in Jupiter and Saturn lines up with the sign of Leo.
(Okay, so I made up number 3 :p)
So out of those options, I haven't returned to drawing. I learned my lesson with that. So I guess that must mean that I'm falling in love. Even against my better judgement. Even though I don't want too. Well no, that's not right, I do want to, just not quite like this.
I have also heard through some interesting rumours and a couple of interesting job posts, that my dream job; which I turned down earlier this year because of the fact I would have to move back to where I had been; might have just turned up in my own backyard. I'm torn between chasing that dream and being loyal to where I am now. Loyalty is a double edged sword sometimes.
This week marks the end of a short lived era. My best friend who convinced me to come work here in Montreal is leaving the company and moving back east. It kind of majorly sucks. Part of the reason I came here was to hang with him again. We hadn't seen eachother in years before I we both ended up here. After college I went south and he went west. Then he came back part way east, and I went north west, and BAM! there we were.
There's a big gathering for him this week. On Thursday night. I'm looking forward to it. Beer, beer and more beer.
/logoff
10 Jan 2006
The holidays are over. The world is new again. A new chapter in our lives is starting. At least, that's what we all tell ourselves. Hopefully this time it will be true.
I'm not sure exactly what it is that makes us need to have waypoints in our lives. Little markers that we can see our lives through. That was the year that I went to college. That was the year I had that horrible job. That was the year that I fell in love with her. That was the year that she broke my heart. That was the year that the tsunami hit. That was the year that nothing happened.
I'm not saying I disagree with it. I need them too. Although I can't really explain why. I think it's probably a way to let us lie to ourselves. A way to say “Well, that's over with. It shouldn't ever happen again.” and move on.
This holiday break was amazing for me. It felt so good to leave everything behind and see my family for the first time in far too long. Since then, it's been tipping downhill. This hasn't exactly been the start to the year I was hoping for.
So far it has been an interesting year. I've had friends come visiting, bringing their dog up for a specialist doctor. Sadly, their dog is going to have to have one of it's eyes removed and replaced with a silicon eye. The specialist also said that the dog will go blind in the other eye in 3 months to 2 years, depending on treatment.
My computer gave up the ghost and died on me. Hopefully I can get it fixed soon. I started working on it. I had to go way back to basics to figure out the exact problem and fix it. It turned out that one of my sticks of RAM was causing instability in Dual-Channel mode. So now I have to go pick up some new RAM after work. Hopefully tonight I'll be back online.
And now, for the introspective:
Why is it that we never really want what we think we do after we get it? Why is it that when things start to go well and we start to settle in, something major inevitably goes wrong? Why won't someone give me $1.5 Million so that I can give them $5 Million over the next 7 years?
This year is still very young, but already it has been very strange. I used to be Rock Star. I used to be a Hero. What am I now? Someone who is looking for something. I think I know what it is, but do I really? Recent events make me question that. It seems that in the past, quite often when I thought I wanted something, in the end when I had it, it turned out it didn't really matter. Why can't we truly know how amazing something is until we lose it?
As a final thought I'll ask the online realm, whatever has become of ?
23 Dec 2005
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year everybody! Have fun and stay safe!
You're Christmas/Birthday present is going to be late Ilona. Amazon.com wouldn't let me send what I wanted to as a gift to you so I'm doing something else. Unfortunately I won't have time to get it together until I get back in early January.
Woo! No work today and I'm going home for Christmas! Can it get any better than that? Well, maybe if I buy one of those Christmas Santa hats it would be better, yeah, that would be better! Time to go buy one :)
2005 is almost done and gone. I'll do retrospective on the year later on; maybe early next year.
18 Dec 2005
So, it's 4:42am. I just got home from the Ubisoft Christmas party. I'm thankful that the doorman was on a break when I got home. I wouldn't want to have tripped all over the place infront of him. It would have been bad.
However. On the plus side. The cabbie who got me home got the tip of his life. I gave him a 27 dollar tip for getting me home safe. I'm so hammered right now it isn't even funny. I drank so much vodka, and then when the bar ran out I drank so much beer. I can't even put numbers to it.
All I can really remember is seeing a bunch of my friends and their girlfriends, and talking to some people from work. Just like every other party, I partied until I got thrown out.
There were five floors of dancing, sugar, food, naked dancing women, food and free alcohol. Needless to say I had a good time. Sure, the music sucked, but the friends were great.
I was even so drunk that I danced with reckless abandon for a few minutes on the dance floor. Then I sauntered, or more likely stagered almost passing out, my way over to this wonderful short haired blonde girl and told her that I thought she was the most beautiful girl at Ubisoft. I meant it then, I mean it now, and I always will. I finally found out Melanies's name, and she promised that she would remember mine. I don't think she will, but nonetheless, it was a good time.
As usual, I outlasted the crowd. I was among the last to leave. Trying to talk my way through the bouncers to the bar for one last drink. I vaguely remember giving some black guy 10 dollars not to beat up a friend of mine because he hit on the black guy's sister. I also vaguely remember getting home. Stopping at the bank and using the wheel chair access button to get in because I couldn't figure out where I was supposed to swipe my card.
Here I am now. Home. Safe. That's why the cabbie got the insane tip. He even stopped and said “Wait, you gave me…” when I interrupted and said “Yes. $40. You deserve it. Thanks for getting me home safe.” for a 13$ fare.
Will anyone remember anything monday morning? God, I don't know. I will always remember Melanie dancing, and the rest of the fun I had.
What a good time!
Rock on! Party on! It's time for me to collapse into a different world. Nighty night world and everyone it!!!
As I say good night, wondering why I'm drinking chocolate milk and when I'll throw it up, as well as contemplating how much I care about Meghan; I wish you all good night.