Youtfhul Exuberance
30 Nov 2005I remember being young; not that I'm that old now. Challenging the world, just because it was there to be done. That sense of “Nothing can stop me!” You remember that one right? That one that died out as you got older?
I still feel that exuberance from time to time. Little five minute stints of invincibility. Those fleeting moments where I feel that this time, no really, this time it will all work out. I can't fail!
Then I wake up, wander around my apartment, and finally take a look in the mirror. What do I see? I see two of me, sometimes three. The me I am. The me I could be. The me I think I'll end up being.
I actually believe it is true that I can't fail in anything that doesn't involve emotions and feelings. If all it really takes is hard work, dedication and a good attitude to succeed in something, and I want that something, then I will succeed. Hell, even with my bad attitude :P I might just manage to succeed.
When it comes to the bigger things though. The harder things. The ones that do involve emotions and feelings. Love for example. That's where I seem to fall short. It's not about hard work any more. It's not about having the best plan and giving it your all. If you don't look the right way, or act the right way %100 of the time, then %99 of people will look past you.
People always say don't worry about it. It will happen. Just give it time. It's hard to do that though, when really you only want that one thing. That thing that has managed to elude you for most of your life.
Some people turn to pills, alcohol, needles, inhalants and any number of other self-destructive outlets to try and fill the void. In this world we live in I think even more people turn to the vast expanse that is the Internet. People look for that faceless love to try and prove to themselves that they are the person who loves the person beneath the skin and not the shell that holds it.
Everything goes well for a while, and then maybe they trade pictures or meet in person. After that they go home and sit in the dark where they try to understand that they aren't that person they thought they were. They sit there and think “My God! What have I done? Who am I?” They wonder why they can't get over the fact that the other person, that person they fell in love with, is bald, or short, or fat, or blind, or disabled or any number of things.
Maybe they tell that person it just won't work out. Maybe they tell them “It's not you. It's me.” Maybe they say I'm not ready for this yet, and let the hope of a chance in the future corrode the other person. Maybe, just maybe, they tell the truth. Most likely they just vanish into very thin and virtual air. Very likely they break that other person's heart.
Now don't get me wrong. Sometimes they find out that they really are that person they thought they were and they have taken something wonderful to the next step. Sometimes it all comes together nearly perfectly. Love blossoms and grows and digs roots that are deep and strong.
And so the dance continues. The game goes on. What is there left out there but the world and everyone in it. All we need exists if we can find a way to find it. It just takes one lucky trip. One healthy stumble to a place you might never normally go. Love will find you. You will not find it. You simply can't look for something that can't be seen.
This is all coming from the fact that today I sat next to a trio of young musicians. They were talking about their music. Their album they were planning out. What instruments it would feature. How they just had to go to this studio to record because of the way the piano sounded. How excited and sacrificial they seemed. Saving X dollars per month for the studio time next year.
I swear it was so inspiring that I almost wanted to just give them the couple thousand dollars they were trying to save up. It reminded me of how I used to believe I was going to rule the world one day. I would start a company and it would work softwarian miracles of epic proportions.
I remember I was going to write programs that changed the world. Create video games that people would talk about forever. Build monuments to my belief in humanity and its spirit. Eventually branch into movies and bring wonderful stories to life that people would never forget. Ah, the big dreams. The dreams of an innocent child. How I miss them. How I love to remember them.
Sometimes I find it hard to believe that I could ever dream dreams that large. So expansive that they could touch all of humanity and I never even blinked an eye at the impossibility of it all. I wanted to create an empire that made hundreds of millions of dollars a year, and I wanted to donate at least half of it to charities and 3rd world countries. I wanted to make people's dreams come true.
I still want to make people's dreams come true. I really try to. I'm not good at it. I keep trying though. I will keep on trying. I find my happiness in making others happy.