Random

18 Oct 2005

It always seems easy. All of it. Until you try it. What am I talking about? Life.

Nothing has more ups and downs. Not a roller coaster. Not a mountain range. Not even a hot air balloon.

There's this company. It's in this place. They are starting a satellite studio there. Something small. The kind of place that I could go and make a difference at. It all starts out with a two month, all expenses paid, trip to Vancouver. Then all the way back to the other side of the country.

Should I go for it? Why would I? Why wouldn't I?

There are too many rules of thumb. Too many adages. To many people saying “Hey you! Live your life like this!” Do you go with “When things get tough you just have to work through it.” or do you go with “You have to jump at new opportunities to grow and improve.”

I haven't improved a single iota since coming to my current job. I haven't been challenged in any way. I haven't learned a single thing. I flat out don't mesh well with the people in this team. Why don't I mesh? Now that, is a good question. I'm still not really sure of the answer myself. I think it mostly has to do with me watching people who are supposed to be better at my job than I am, do things in very wrong ways; and to see people who are new to the job, who are learning this bad ways of doing things, get praised for it.

I was blessed to have a chance to work with some truly talented people at my last job. Everyone was willing to learn as well. Everyone was even willing to ask questions and to point things out and say “Hey, didn't you do this wrong?” I was even granted the opportunity to play the role of leader to those people. Although I don't think I was ever really a leader in the traditional business sense, I think it was more like I was a captain on a sports team.

I miss my old team. If my old job wasn't in the middle of nowhere I would probably still be there. Or at the very least I would go back in a heartbeat.

I love living in this city though. Love it! Maybe that's because I just love city life? Maybe I could be that happy with any city? Maybe I just really suck and I don't know how to settle in anywhere and be truly happy? Maybe I'm just tired of watching the right girl walk away time and time again, and that's effecting my point of view on work?

A friend of mine asked me a question yesterday. After I answered he asked me if it was the rational Sean or the do shit on a whim Sean answering him. It's amazing how an odd little quirky question like that can crystallize how you see things. I realized that it is the “do shit on a whim” version of me that takes me everywhere and brings me all of the great stories that fill my life. It's the “rational” version that holds me back. That “rational” version though, it has it's place. It makes sure the bills get paid.

How can you turn your back on such a truly effective part of yourself? How can you ever get to a point where you just listen to that fun and adventurous side? I know people who only listen to their whim-laden sides and they are always smiling and having fun. At least the part of them that the outside world sees is. How do they let go?

I can't even imagine what would happen to my life if I just let go. If I just followed all of my whims and chased everything I wanted. It's just too wild to even try to comprehend draws a blank.

So what kind of person are you? Life of the party? Party downer? Happy inbetweener? I am the ultimate extremist. I am undoubtedly the life of the party when I choose to be. Talking to everyone, drinking everything, completely out of control. People seem to like that. I'm not sure why. I am also the other extreme sometimes. The ultra-sad, mega-depressed, it might be your party but it's not my kind of fun so why am I still here downer.

I'm that guy that people tell stories about years later “Do you remember that time he was talking back to the cops?” “Did you see the way he passed out under that picnic table? Awkward as hell, but pure ballet.” “What the hell brought on that speech about antidisestablishmentarianism?” “Yeah, I remember the time he chugged the tequila…”

Oddly enough, I'm also that guy that turns down alcohol all the time. I think it's because I now how much it changes me. Or maybe it's that, it reveals who I really am, and I'm not ready to accept it.

Whoops! My brain slipped into random somewhere along the way there…