I didn't die today
31 Aug 2005So the headline says it all. I didn't die today. I didn't die yesterday either. There were some moments that it felt hit or miss, but I think I'm through the worst of whatever hit me. It was like my body's own internal hurricane of destruction.
I can't concentrate anymore. I don't seem to be able to write any more either. I wish I knew where it all went. I lack the focus to focus.
At some point, I really hope life gets easier. I can remember after getting my first real job, about a year and half into it, calling my parents late one night and asking them if this was all there was. I asked them if life boiled down to just waking up, going to work, coming home, sleeping, doing that 5-7 days in a row and sometimes having a weekend.
My parents have always been honest with me. They said yes. That's what life boils down to. Then you fall in love. Then you have children. Then you do everything you can to keep them safe and keep yourself safe so you can watch them grow up into beautiful people. I love my parents. They are the most amazing people in the world. Somehow in a time when so many families are falling apart they kept everything together.
I can remember when I was 19 I found out that my parents at one point had almost ended their marriage when I was much younger. Sometime around the age of 12 I think. It ruined me for a week. It was the last time I cried. I never had any idea when I was growing up that it had been that close. At the same time, it showed me, that you can work through things. That love isn't easy.
Growing up I never knew my family was poor. My parents sacrificed everything for my sister and I. Did I mention I love my parents? Again, when I got out into the real world I can remember calling them one night and just flat out telling them that I didn't know how they ever managed to do it. I didn't know how they paid the bills, gave us everything we ever needed, and a lot of what we wanted. I make more money now than both of my parents combined ever did, and it boggles my mind when I think of supporting four people with it.
Some people find a job they love. Some people find a job they are good at. Some people do a job because it pays the bills. Some people take a job to support their family, to put the needs of the family above their own. I work, so that I can do things that aren't work. It's just that simple.
I want to do a job I love. I want to work with my friends. I know if we ever started a company together, no matter what it was, it would be the most successful product of that type in the world. We don't know how to fail and we don't know how to quit. We would never settle for less than the best out of ourselves.
Do I hate my job? No. Do I look forward to my job? No. I was told today at work that anytime we need to take time off work we can take it off unpaid. The first thought that went through my head was wondering if I could make enough money to live working four days a week.
Why did I move to Montreal? God, I don't know. It seemed so clear at the time. As time passes it becomes harder to remember. I came here hoping to find love? I came here for a challenge? I came here to live my life? Where are all of these things? Work is a joke. One of my friends here who works as hard as I do and gets as much done as I do was told by his managers that he does his work too fast. He asked if there was something wrong with the work. Was it being done wrong or was it poor quality? They said no, he was just doing it too fast. Does that make sense to anyone? I could work three hours a day and do just as much or more work as anyone else I work with. I'm sooooooo bored at work. Why is that? Because I'm a mother fucking rockstar at my job!
Almost everyone I show my heart to in any way makes it bleed. Why do they do that? I can only think of one or maybe two people who have never done that. Thanks Ilona :)
I think that almost no one really understands what love is or what it's supposed to be. Or maybe I'm just broken and I don't really understand it. Why does everyone think love is sex? Why does everyone think that sex is love? Sex is the frosting on the cake, the filling in the pie, the hot fudge or caramel on the wonderful vanilla that is love. (I must be hungry or something)
I've achieved every goal I've ever set for myself that I have any influence over. I make as much money as I ever wanted to make. I live in as nice a place as I ever wanted to live (I have a doorman and a pool! I mean come on!). I live in a nice city where there is always lots to do. I have a published book out there in the world. I made it into the video game industry. I've worked on four shipped games. I got out of the middle of no where, where I grew up. I've stayed in touch with and remained good friends with someone from elementary, junior high, high school. Yay Amanda! (Our parents think it's cool, or so I'm told.) I have all the comforts of life I ever wanted. I have some really great friends! Most of my friends are crazy. I couldn't ask for a better bunch :)
I haven't achieved any of the goals that really matter. Love and having a family.
I can't understand the world today. I can't understand people or relationships. I wish I knew why people are so concerned about how fat they are. I wish I could understand how someone could never say hello to or get to know someone just because they are fat. I love all kinds of women. Tall, short, fat, thin, any skin colour. It doesn't matter. If you are a beautiful person then you are a beautiful person. I don't worry about meeting people even if I can't see what they look like. I love people for who they are and who they want to be, not how they look. I see people with my heart and not my eyes.
Am I fat? Yeah. Does it bother me? Sometimes. Why? Social anxiety. Why not most of the time? Because I see myself with my heart too. Bodies change. If you love someone for their body, wow, you are going to be disappointed someday. When I enter a serious relationship the thought always crosses my mind, morbid as the thought is, so when she's old and wrinkly and gray haired and life has pulled her youthful beauty from her, will I still love the shining soul and loving heart inside of her?
If I ever fall in love with you. If you ever fall in love with me. The only thing I can promise you is that no one will ever love you like I will. No one will ever love you so unconditionally, so supportively, so deeply and so wildly in your life as I will. I will never stop loving you, even if we go our separate ways and we both fall in love with different people. I will never stop believing in you. No one will ever believe in you so much. All you have to do is accept me, my heart, my soul and my quirks. And if you shatter my heart someday… I'll still love you and be there for you.
When I moved to Montreal I bought myself a nice queen size bed. I love my bed. It's so comfortable and wonderful. I can barely ever sleep in it though. It feels so empty with no one else in it that I can't stand it. I spend most nights on the couch in the living room.
It was bed time two hours ago and I'm still up. Tomorrow should start a little late, just for me.