01 Nov 2005
We live in a microwavable world. Everything needs to be faster and more poweful. For some reason this is conventionally seen as better.
Cars need to move faster. Everything needs to be more effecient. You need to be able to have everything on demand. You can pause live TV because it's recording itself! The world wants everything and it wants everything now. Food needs to have instructions for cooking in the oven or on the stovetop in 20-45 minutes and 3 minute microwave instructions. Cellphones are everywhere, because what if someone called right now and you weren't there? How could the world possibly continue turning without that instant connection?
Impatience rules all.
One thing I've noticed that gets especially strange as you get older is dating. When you are young, dating is a wonderful adventure. You smile at her, she smiles at you. After some digging deep inside for that ounce of courage you start a conversation. You keep smiling at eachother. Soon you're going out for a movie, drinks, dinner, coffee. You start to spend more and more time together. You explore eachother with words, looks, touches. Everyday you learn something new and wonderful. You move forward through life together enjoying the moment, living for it; searching to see if there is something deep and special between you.
Once you hit a certain age though it becomes very different. You meet someone. You go out for dinner. Instead of the conversation being “Have you been here? What do you like to do? You like what music? Which movies? If I had known you didn't like Indian food we could have gone somewhere else…” to “Do you want to have kids? If so, how many? What do you want out of this relationship? Are you ready to settle down? How important is family to you?” Dating becomes an interview for a position rather than an adventure of the organic evolution of friendship and love between two people.
Now the lyrics of this song happen to choose the medium of sex to explore this concept of a world that is all about everything being faster. It throws some interestingly deep lines into the mix as well though. Lines that tell of the depths beyond the shallows.
“It's always the fallen ones I think are going to save me”
I've often thought that myself. Well, maybe not that they would save me. I've always been attracted to the fallen ones though. I believe it's because I fell. From up on high to way down low.
I still think there is hope for everyone and everything. I think that you can save yourself by saving someone else. It's the experience of the effort, the dedication, the selflessness of always being there for them. I think that tunes in to something deep inside of someone fallen and starts to wake them up. It resonates within them like a tuning fork. Each pulse of goodness they put out into the world echoes and vibrates within them. It raises them and brightens them. Maybe that's why some people seem to glow. Maybe that's how some people seem to fly.
It brings hope. Yeah hope. You remember? That self-destructive weapon from yesterday.
That's all for today. Please tune in tomorrow for the next installment in this adventure “Blinded”.
I will leave you with this great quote. I give credit to for turning me to the quotes of this author.
“Life is not orderly. No matter how we try to make life so, right in the middle of it we die, lose a leg, fall in love, drop a jar of applesauce.” ~ Natalie Goldberg
31 Oct 2005
I'm going to try something new. You see, I bought Third Eye Blind's album Out of the Vein recently. I've always been a fan of their music. I always get completely sucked into the stream of consciousness lyrics they have. So much so that maybe it's an audio addiction. Since I bought it two or three weeks ago I've listened to some of the songs in excess of 300 times. That's just the count at work. Count in that I listen to it at home as well and… yeah, that's a whole lot.
I thought of this idea while reading one of 's entries that listed “What songs are you listening to now?.” I realized that I have only been listening to this one small collection. I throw in another band here or there, or one of their old albums; but basically I listen to this. This album just happens to be completely in-tune with my life at the moment. I can't even explain why it is, because I don't know why it is.
The idea is that I will do a series of blogs using the titles of the songs and in the order of the songs on the album. The entries will probably have nothing to do with the songs themselves, but will just revolve around the titles or some key lyrics and their relation to my life; or exploring why they hit me just right.
Plus, I know I haven't been updating my blog very frequently so maybe this will mean a string of frequent updates. Maybe even daily. And hey, it gives me an excuse to listen to the music over and over some more.
So let's start with the title. Out of the Vein.
Blood comes out of veins. So does gold and most other things that glitter. Everything that comes out of a vein is pure and honest. Unless it's a junkies vein I guess. They might have a veritable cocktail of chemical mishaps floating around in there at any given time. Regardless, this is about normal, because most people are more normal than they believe.
My life has been very real lately. Real and pure and true, like blood, there haven't been any lies. Illusions and dreams have started to fall down on the rocks of reality and other equally powerful events.
Once in a while I used to let myself bleed out. Not in the literal physical sense, but in the emotional and psychological sense. I've gone back to internalizing a lot of things; letting the pressure build inside. My hope has been turned in to a weapon in a certain sense I guess. The problem is that it turns into the only type of weapon that hope can turn into, a self-destructive one.
Hope is a drug. It can take you to wonderful heights, but it has a horrible withdrawal period. Some people never recover. Especially creative people struggle with hope. There is something in the creative mind that strings itself out on a razor edge between hope and despair. It's a horrible affliction leading to wonder and chaos.
Hand in hand with hope is the ownership of a big heart. Being a being that feels things very intensely is beautiful and frightening. Each friendship is felt so much more strongly. Each loss is felt so much deeper.
There is always a beginning and there is always an end. We don't always get to choose how, or when, or where. I think that's why life is so amazing. We are completely in control while also being completely out of control. It's all up to us, even when there is nothing we can do about it.
So let's kick off this experiment. This journey of audio relation. Let's see how much more I can say without truly saying anything. Tune in tomorrow for the first real installment “Faster”.
31 Oct 2005
The title says it all…
29 Oct 2005
| Your Personality Is |
| Rational (NT) |
You are both logical and creative. You are full of ideas.
You are so rational that you analyze everything. This drives people a little crazy!
Intelligence is important to you. You always like to be around smart people.
In fact, you're often a little short with people who don't impress you mentally.
You seem distant to some - but it's usually because you're deep in thought.
Those who understand you best are fellow Rationals.
In love, you tend to approach things with logic. You seek a compatible mate - who is also very intelligent.
At work, you tend to gravitate toward idea building careers - like programming, medicine, or academia.
With others, you are very honest and direct. People often can't take your criticism well.
As far as your looks go, you're coasting on what you were born with. You think fashion is silly.
On weekends, you spend most of your time thinking, experimenting with new ideas, or learning new things.
18 Oct 2005
It always seems easy. All of it. Until you try it. What am I talking about? Life.
Nothing has more ups and downs. Not a roller coaster. Not a mountain range. Not even a hot air balloon.
There's this company. It's in this place. They are starting a satellite studio there. Something small. The kind of place that I could go and make a difference at. It all starts out with a two month, all expenses paid, trip to Vancouver. Then all the way back to the other side of the country.
Should I go for it? Why would I? Why wouldn't I?
There are too many rules of thumb. Too many adages. To many people saying “Hey you! Live your life like this!” Do you go with “When things get tough you just have to work through it.” or do you go with “You have to jump at new opportunities to grow and improve.”
I haven't improved a single iota since coming to my current job. I haven't been challenged in any way. I haven't learned a single thing. I flat out don't mesh well with the people in this team. Why don't I mesh? Now that, is a good question. I'm still not really sure of the answer myself. I think it mostly has to do with me watching people who are supposed to be better at my job than I am, do things in very wrong ways; and to see people who are new to the job, who are learning this bad ways of doing things, get praised for it.
I was blessed to have a chance to work with some truly talented people at my last job. Everyone was willing to learn as well. Everyone was even willing to ask questions and to point things out and say “Hey, didn't you do this wrong?” I was even granted the opportunity to play the role of leader to those people. Although I don't think I was ever really a leader in the traditional business sense, I think it was more like I was a captain on a sports team.
I miss my old team. If my old job wasn't in the middle of nowhere I would probably still be there. Or at the very least I would go back in a heartbeat.
I love living in this city though. Love it! Maybe that's because I just love city life? Maybe I could be that happy with any city? Maybe I just really suck and I don't know how to settle in anywhere and be truly happy? Maybe I'm just tired of watching the right girl walk away time and time again, and that's effecting my point of view on work?
A friend of mine asked me a question yesterday. After I answered he asked me if it was the rational Sean or the do shit on a whim Sean answering him. It's amazing how an odd little quirky question like that can crystallize how you see things. I realized that it is the “do shit on a whim” version of me that takes me everywhere and brings me all of the great stories that fill my life. It's the “rational” version that holds me back. That “rational” version though, it has it's place. It makes sure the bills get paid.
How can you turn your back on such a truly effective part of yourself? How can you ever get to a point where you just listen to that fun and adventurous side? I know people who only listen to their whim-laden sides and they are always smiling and having fun. At least the part of them that the outside world sees is. How do they let go?
I can't even imagine what would happen to my life if I just let go. If I just followed all of my whims and chased everything I wanted. It's just too wild to even try to comprehend draws a blank.
So what kind of person are you? Life of the party? Party downer? Happy inbetweener? I am the ultimate extremist. I am undoubtedly the life of the party when I choose to be. Talking to everyone, drinking everything, completely out of control. People seem to like that. I'm not sure why. I am also the other extreme sometimes. The ultra-sad, mega-depressed, it might be your party but it's not my kind of fun so why am I still here downer.
I'm that guy that people tell stories about years later “Do you remember that time he was talking back to the cops?” “Did you see the way he passed out under that picnic table? Awkward as hell, but pure ballet.” “What the hell brought on that speech about antidisestablishmentarianism?” “Yeah, I remember the time he chugged the tequila…”
Oddly enough, I'm also that guy that turns down alcohol all the time. I think it's because I now how much it changes me. Or maybe it's that, it reveals who I really am, and I'm not ready to accept it.
Whoops! My brain slipped into random somewhere along the way there…