05 Nov 2005
“I want to be your Crystal Baller”
Have you ever seen your future with someone? Have you seen it the thousands of ways that it could play out? The good ways and the bad ones?
The song is about the want to be there for someone forever. I know that feeling well. I always want to be there for all of my friends. I hope they will all always be there for me.
A lot of people look at themselves and see a freak. We are generally the harshest judges of ourselves. Every once in a while you find a person who doesn't see a freak when they look at you. They see something else. They see something that you wish you could be. Maybe someone who could be loved.
Sometimes though, the more that person can't accept your negative aspects, or the more you can't let it go that maybe those aspects don't exist, it makes you weaker. The weaker you get the pettier you get. Until the end comes and you ruin something that was amazing and could have been more so.
It would be wonderful if we could all have crystal balls and see the future. It would be wonderful to know how it will all work out in the end. Who will you be with. How will you get there. At least, it sounds like it would be wonderful.
Really though, how wonderful would it be to get to a destination without the journey along the way? You would never get to experience things the same way if you knew they were going to happen. They wouldn't have the same impact on your or your life. You might even take things for granted. You would just look at your crystal ball and think, well, this is how it is supposed to be. You shouldn't have to do anything for it then.
Let's all just enjoy the journey. Don't worry too much about the future. Just live life and see where it goes. It might just surprise you.
Tune in tomorrow for “My Hit and Run”.
04 Nov 2005
Everyone likes the taste of danger. Admit it.
Everyone doesn't like the real “my life is in mortal danger” danger, but everyone likes that sense of perceived danger. That adrenaline rush of jumping off a bridge attached to a bungee cord. That freedom of standing at the top of a mountain. That rush of blood as you speed along the highway. Those trepidatious and wild first steps of love.
Surely one of those, all of those, or something similar appeals to everyone.
I think that most young people have a part of them that “mortal danger” does appeal to. As you get older though, some would say wiser, you lose the taste for that kind of danger.
I've been in several dangerous situations in my life. At the time, they weren't fun. They were harrowing, adrenaline pumping, downright scary situations. Looking back on them now, since I lived through them, I wouldn't change them for anything.
They make for great stories. They happen to be wonderful adrenaline memories. They are defining moments. Over a cold beer with a friend that was there you can just look at each other and say “Remember that time…” and smiles take hold of your faces.
In most respects I consider danger and fear to be one and the same. If you were scared, then there was danger of some sort. Something took hold of you and made you wish that you weren't there. If you weren't scared, then you didn't think there was any danger.
Anything can be a source of fear/danger. Maybe it's spiders for you. It could be creepy crawlies or snakes. For a lot it is failure. For some it is success. It might even be staring at a computer screen with a writing program open with a blank page staring back at you that just terrifies you.
When I was in junior high and high school my father and I and several friends always went on a canoe trip on the May long weekend. Most of the time it was just a nice trip down the river. A few guys getting together and talking smack while getting drunk and living out of coolers and backpacks. A few times, it didn't go quite so well.
One time we decided to stop at a little island. Not uncommon. We usually stayed at this particular little island on the trip. We pulled up the canoes. Broke out the beer. Setup the tents. Cooked supper. Just a regular night.
Now, people made fun of me for what I did next. At least until the next morning that is. For some reason I tied our tent to logs that were half buried in the gravel and sand of the island. It was pure instinct. I also pulled our canoe way up onto the beach and tied it to a tree as well.
I have learned through my life to trust my instincts. I can only think of once, maybe twice, that they have been wrong. My father also simply noted what I did and though I'm sure he wondered about it, he never questioned it.
It was very late. Close to midnight I would guess. I never used to wear a watch in those days. Everyone was in their tents, fast asleep. I still couldn't sleep. Then instantly the wind picked up. From nothing, to something incredibly intense. The tent started being bent over by the wind. It was bending so far that it was pushing the roof of it, some six feet high, directly against our bodies. We were momentarily pinned.
This woke my father up and we pushed back against the wind. Lifting the tent as much back to normal as we could. Then we heard it for the first time. There was a horrible grinding sound outside. We just looked at each other. Neither of us had any idea what it was. Then we heard it again.
I dove for the zippers to the tent door and got myself outside to find out what was going on. I looked around and didn't notice anything out of the ordinary. Then I heard the sound again and turned to find the source. One of the canoes was being blown down the beach. I heard a sliding sound behind me and saw a tent full of people start to blow down the beach behind me.
I yelled out at them hoping that it would wake them as I ran after the canoe that was heading down the beach. I grabbed a hold of it and slowly dragged it back along the beach toward where I had tied down our canoe. After I had it securely in place I rounded up the others as well and anchored them securely.
As I turned my attention back to the tents that were moving along the beach in short, wind-powered, slides I heard the tinkling of metal on rock. A lawn chair was rolling toward the fire pit. It rolled into it and then, folded like a sail and on fire, it flew over my ducked head.
At that moment it became deathly still. There was no wind and there was no sound save a few drunken souls stumbling out of their tents. I've only experienced such an eerie silence one other time in my life. It was like for an instant there was only our small band of people left in the world.
With a bolt of lightning and a crack of thunder the heavens opened wide. The rain fell in giant drops. It was like a wave falling from the sky. Instantly those of us outside were drenched. The fire was out. We ran around a little franticly securing the rest of the tents and then darted back into the relative warmth and dryness of them.
The wind went on for quite a while. The poles in my tent were bent to such an extreme that they actually broke. I remember falling asleep with the tent pushed down on top of me.
The next day we picked up the pieces and explored the island a little. You could see lines through the trees were the twister had ripped it's path. As we floated down the river we could see where it crossed and for quite a distance where else it had traveled.
Had I never gone through the experience, I would have never wanted to. However, having gone through it, I wouldn't trade that experience for anything. It was a defining moment. It was the kind of situation that teaches you about yourself and who you are.
It was danger.
Tune in tomorrow for “Crystal Baller”.
03 Nov 2005
Excerpts from the song:
“Who's that guy? I don't know.”
…
“Should have watched my step
Cause I keep on forgetting myself
And I keep on forgetting myself
Who am I we both don't know”
…
“This is not my life or maybe it is
I keep on forgetting myself”
Sometimes we forget ourselves. We lose sight of who we are. What we want, and what we need.
It might be a new friend or a new love that starts it all. You slip into a new world. You hang out with new people. You go to new places. You eat new foods. You exist during new waking ours. It could be any one of the aforementioned things or all of them or a blend of other changes.
You get swept up into this new life. It seems wild and exciting because it is different. You feel so happy to have been given this chance at change. Slowly you start to drift away from things you used to know.
A space starts to grow between you and your best friends. You're family starts to slip away into the distance. They keep asking you why you changed. Somehow you rationalize it all as them being jealous of your new life.
Then one day you wake up and you're not smiling any more. The world seems a little bit “off”. Something is definitely amiss. You can't quite place your finger on it. You continue to go through the routine that has developed. You don't quite enjoy everything as much as you remember though.
Sometimes a relationship can consume you. A relationship is supposed to be a merger, not a take over. When you make new friends or find a new love you are supposed to share your time. You spend time with their friends. They spend time with your friends. Maybe your friends and their friends become friends.
The real problem is that when you get caught up in it all and you forget yourself, those new people tend to forget you too. They forget you, because you aren't you anymore. They drift away and you're left alone.
You can always go back to your family. That's what family is. Love them or hate them. They are always there. That extends to true friends. Those friends that know they can call you if their life is out of control. They call you if they've had a rough day because they know you'll bring ice cream. Of course that works both ways. Those friends that ARE family will always find a way to forgive and forget your self that you became.
I forget myself sometimes. As mentioned above and in other ways. I forget who I am. I forget what I stand for. I never forget who I love. I sometimes lose myself when I'm not sure what to do with my feelings. In that lost sense I am forgotten. Forgotten to myself.
Don't forget yourselves.
Tune in tomorrow for “Danger”.
03 Nov 2005
kksshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh snap crackle pop (anyone else feel like cereal now?)
So, I stumbled across this today. This is just very, very cool. I had no idea that November was National Novel Writing Month! Apparently the goal is to write 50,000 words in a month.
There are also some exceptionally cool calendars for it such as this random example I found on a random Live Journaler at http://www.livejournal.com/users/hellenelle/100775.html.
I wont be participating this year as I unwittingly embarked on my own two week long Live Journal writing exodus. Perhaps next year though.
We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming…
02 Nov 2005
Love is unforgiving. It is unrelenting. It is unbelievable. It is the meaning of life. It is the meaning of death. It is the source of all emotion. It can fix everything, and it can break everything. It is beautiful. It is ugly. It can not be described.
If we are sad, love can make us happy. If we are angry, love can make us calm. If we hate someone, it is because there is not enough love or maybe there is too much. It can curl the edges of your lips into a smile against your will as you remember the magic times. Love can power us to unimaginable heights.
I think we have all had that love at some point in our lives. That love that burns too bright for the other, but just right for you. It ends up as heartache and unknown mistakes. We find a way to stay friends though. Life without them is just to much to even consider. It might burn a little deep down inside, it might ache to see them, but that is so much less painful than not having them in your life at all.
They move beyond the relationship. They find a way beyond you. You however are always a fallen one, blinded like you're looking into the sun when you see them. Every time you see them joyous memories return. Gems of love and hope that you thought were lost seem to be found. That person knew you, maybe they even still know you.
In the dark, weak, moments you sometimes think to yourself that you never gave up on them, and you wonder why they gave up on you. You think about all of that damage that you both did to each other. Those things you should never think about. In the face of the sun everything becomes so bright that you can only see the dark. Then their laugh startles you, you smile, and your lost inside their eyes and that friendship again. Everything bad that ever happened slips beneath the surface.
Somewhere inside they still know you love them. The know that you still love them in a way that will never die. It scares them just a little because they don't feel the same love back. At the same time, if pressed to answer why it scares them, they would probably say that it is because they are afraid no one will ever love them the same way again. That unconditional love. Sometimes you wonder the same thing. You get scared that you will never be able to love someone else as much as you loved them.
Then right out of the bright blue something amazing will fall into you life. It will smile at you. That special mischievous smile. That whole being smile from the hanging of the hair, to the look in the eyes, to the curve of the lips and the posture of the body. You enter it all tentatively at first. Hesitating. Resisting. Unsure and wobbly-kneed from fear and wonder.
You make new memories. You find new love. Somehow the fires of the past and their undying embers start to cool. Life opens itself before you once again. You start to see a bright and beautiful world. A world where you want to live. A place where you start to think again that maybe you can be happy. Maybe you can give yourself completely. Give them your heart which seems to have reappeared again. The heart that they deserve for they are the one who found it.
You see that first person again. You still care for them. You are still blinded by them. By the brightness that used to exist between the two of you. However, no matter how bright that light seems to be, it has faded some. Standing beside you is the person that you are even more blinded by. The light between you and the new person is just that much brighter.
Love is blind after all. Love is not something that can be seen with the eyes. True beauty can't be witnessed. It can only be experienced.
When you see someone with your heart, and you fall for what you see, nothing else matters. You can see them when they are older. Grey haired. Wrinkled. Bald. Fat. Rail thin. Frail. Broken. You can see it all and none of it matters. That is only the outside. That is the ever changing part. That part has nothing to do with why you love them. You will always see them at their most beautiful. If anything you will find them more and more beautiful the longer you are together. As they start to show you their inner heart and you start to show them yours. That place behind all of the walls that no one but the self normally gets to see. You will be forever blinded by them.
Tune in tomorrow for “Forget Myself”