Hidden Pugmarks

I remember being young; not that I'm that old now. Challenging the world, just because it was there to be done. That sense of “Nothing can stop me!” You remember that one right? That one that died out as you got older?

I still feel that exuberance from time to time. Little five minute stints of invincibility. Those fleeting moments where I feel that this time, no really, this time it will all work out. I can't fail!

Then I wake up, wander around my apartment, and finally take a look in the mirror. What do I see? I see two of me, sometimes three. The me I am. The me I could be. The me I think I'll end up being.

I actually believe it is true that I can't fail in anything that doesn't involve emotions and feelings. If all it really takes is hard work, dedication and a good attitude to succeed in something, and I want that something, then I will succeed. Hell, even with my bad attitude I might just manage to succeed.

When it comes to the bigger things though. The harder things. The ones that do involve emotions and feelings. Love for example. That's where I seem to fall short. It's not about hard work any more. It's not about having the best plan and giving it your all. If you don't look the right way, or act the right way %100 of the time, then %99 of people will look past you.

People always say don't worry about it. It will happen. Just give it time. It's hard to do that though, when really you only want that one thing. That thing that has managed to elude you for most of your life.

Some people turn to pills, alcohol, needles, inhalants and any number of other self-destructive outlets to try and fill the void. In this world we live in I think even more people turn to the vast expanse that is the Internet. People look for that faceless love to try and prove to themselves that they are the person who loves the person beneath the skin and not the shell that holds it.

Everything goes well for a while, and then maybe they trade pictures or meet in person. After that they go home and sit in the dark where they try to understand that they aren't that person they thought they were. They sit there and think “My God! What have I done? Who am I?” They wonder why they can't get over the fact that the other person, that person they fell in love with, is bald, or short, or fat, or blind, or disabled or any number of things.

Maybe they tell that person it just won't work out. Maybe they tell them “It's not you. It's me.” Maybe they say I'm not ready for this yet, and let the hope of a chance in the future corrode the other person. Maybe, just maybe, they tell the truth. Most likely they just vanish into very thin and virtual air. Very likely they break that other person's heart.

Now don't get me wrong. Sometimes they find out that they really are that person they thought they were and they have taken something wonderful to the next step. Sometimes it all comes together nearly perfectly. Love blossoms and grows and digs roots that are deep and strong.

And so the dance continues. The game goes on. What is there left out there but the world and everyone in it. All we need exists if we can find a way to find it. It just takes one lucky trip. One healthy stumble to a place you might never normally go. Love will find you. You will not find it. You simply can't look for something that can't be seen.

This is all coming from the fact that today I sat next to a trio of young musicians. They were talking about their music. Their album they were planning out. What instruments it would feature. How they just *had* to go to this studio to record because of the way the piano sounded. How excited and sacrificial they seemed. Saving X dollars per month for the studio time next year.

I swear it was so inspiring that I almost wanted to just give them the couple thousand dollars they were trying to save up. It reminded me of how I used to believe I was going to rule the world one day. I would start a company and it would work softwarian miracles of epic proportions.

I remember I was going to write programs that changed the world. Create video games that people would talk about forever. Build monuments to my belief in humanity and its spirit. Eventually branch into movies and bring wonderful stories to life that people would never forget. Ah, the big dreams. The dreams of an innocent child. How I miss them. How I love to remember them.

Sometimes I find it hard to believe that I could ever dream dreams that large. So expansive that they could touch all of humanity and I never even blinked an eye at the impossibility of it all. I wanted to create an empire that made hundreds of millions of dollars a year, and I wanted to donate at least half of it to charities and 3rd world countries. I wanted to make people's dreams come true.

I still want to make people's dreams come true. I really try to. I'm not good at it. I keep trying though. I will keep on trying. I find my happiness in making others happy.

I woke up this morning for the 25th time as my alarm went off for the 25th time. I slowly extracted myself from the tangle of sheets and blankets. I stretched and yawned and did complex math in my head to determine if I could have just five more minutes of sleep.

The answer this time, unlike the previous 24 times, was no.

Rubbing the sleep from my eyes I wandered toward my window in a tired haze. When I pulled the curtains aside I was greeted by a wondrous site that filled me with joy. There before me was the sky painting the city in a lovely white. Angel dust feathers of snow fluttering to the ground.

Snowflakes kiss the ground
Softer than my lips touch yours
The city is born again
From dark to light, rebirth

It's the second act of a three act show. The crowd is restless after a 30 minute break to setup the stage between bands. The lights go down and the crowd goes silent for a moment before breaking out into shouts.

The lights flash on. The band is standing there. Nonchalant and ready to rock. They start into their first song. It's fast and it's good. The lead bass tears off his hoodie and throws it to the crowd. The hoodie flies up into the air, again, again, soon more from the crowd join it. The place becomes a wave of humanity and airborne clothing.

The lights pulse to a random rythm. Purple of Heaven. Red of blood. Orange of Hell. Green of ocean. Blue of sky. White of wonder. Then strobe lights pepper the crowd. A white so bright it blisters like the sun without clouds.

Somewhere into the third song bodies start floating on a sea of unknown hands. Shoes are falling off and being thrown across the crowd. People are heaving and flying.

Bounce… Bounce… Bounce… Bounce. Bounce. Bruise!

The show is electric. It's oppressive with it's energy. The angry crooner shouts and screams and then treats everyone to the sounds of a beautiful voice, and then shouts and screams some more.

Everyone is into it.

It's so good it's unbearable. You just want to lose control in the crowd. Flail your arms. Shake your head. Move your body with the moment.

Live music isn't about the band or the song. It's about the people. The crowd. The freedom of the mob.

Move. Shake. Jump. Dance. Sing. Scream. Be a part of it. Live that moment. Celebrate the music. Celebrate life.

There it is. The second to last song. It's the song everyone came to hear. It's the song that the whole crowd knows. It spills over everyone. They pause and soak it in. More than hearing it they feel it. It is experienced as it never could be before. This is the time when songs take you over.

It's the last song. The crowd is heaving left and right. The music of the band is hovering somewhere just above the constant roar of the crowd. This is a great moment. This is what it is all about. The euphoria.

The musicians bounce around the stage like wild men from a tribal culture. Arms swinging. Bodies jumping. Hammering down on instruments with perfect timing. Up. Down. They are everywhere. They are working the only magic they know and they are lost in it all just like us.

The band bows. They thank the crowd, state their name, and fade away. The crowd slowly settles from it's audio high.

I've always tried to be a good man. No matter how much crap it gets me in or how many great things walk away because of it.

It's hard to be honest in today's world. It's hard to stand for and believe in things. It's hard not to cave to the whims of the mob of humanity.

I have always been me though. I know what I believe in. I know what I stand for. So I do that. It keeps me from being really cool in a lot of people's minds. I don't really mind though. If you can't be true to yourself, then what use are you to everyone else?

Of course, there are always lapses. Well, maybe “lapse” isn't the right term. It's more like you can move along though life living in a way that you think makes you a good person. Then things happen and you realize that you aren't as good as you thought you were.

Then you have a crisis of self. You start to think “No, I was a good person” but you are countered by the reality that “No, you really weren't”. It can slow you down for a while as you fumble with it. Trying not to let your self or your ego go crashing to the ground where they will no doubt shatter.

In retrospect there have been moments in my life where if someone had asked me at that very moment “Do you think that you're a bad man?” I would have resolutely answered “No, I'm the worst man.”

Of course those times would normally be right after a break up. When the girl walks away and I'm left there wondering what went wrong? Where did I mess it all up? Why wasn't I good enough?

That's the end. That's the last track. The album is over. Okay, there is actually a bonus track, but I'm not going to cover that one. I'll leave that as an exercise for the reader (I've always wanted to say that).

I also believe that this has been successful. The album has mostly been worked out of my system and more music is slipping into the rotation.

Company is about friendship. It's about how your significant views your friends. It's about how you get in trouble for hanging out with your friends because they're considered to be “Bad Company” by your significant other.

I really can't say that I have a lot of experience with that. So this will be a very short entry. It's the only song on the album that I can't relate deeply to on some level.

My friends are just so laid back and cool, that I can't imagine someone not being able to get along with them. At least, it hasn't happened yet.

Some of them are a little whacked, no doubt, but they're all good people.

And next, the final track “Good Man”.