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I spend all of my time thinking about you
Waking up in the shower
Taking the elevator
Walking in the park
Riding on the metro
Sitting at work
Having lunch
When I'm playing games
Talking with friends
Standing in line at the grocery store
Dreaming at night
Every where I go
Every thing I do
It involves you
In some way you are there
I can never get away
And I never want to
You feel like home

So, 26. Yeah, that's my age now. I picked up a +1 to age over the weekend. It took 365 days of grinding/farming to get it (if you play WoW, you might understand).

Honestly it doesn't feel any different. I feel like I just turned 22. I sort of have a giant four year gap in my life that was caused by my last job. I pretty much worked insanely hard for very insane hours and… yeah, so I missed out on a lot of those things people do. One of those years, I swear, I don't even remember seeing the sun.

I was talking with my Dad about getting older. He was the one who asked me if it felt any different. We got around to talking about how after about 25 it doesn't matter how old you are. There aren't any more real milestones that you're looking for. 16 – get a drivers liscence; 17-18 – graduate high school. 19 – old enough to drink here. 21 – old enough to drink in the US. 22-25 finish college or university if you're into that kind of thing (I was until I dropped out due to boredom).

However, as with every birthday I find myself contemplating the future. I find myself wondering what there is out there left for me to do and to accomplish. There are no longer any hard limit goals in life it seems. They all seem to be “I would like to do X by the time I'm Y”. Also, a lot of the things ahead of me aren't the kinds of things you can force to happen.

Things like falling in love, starting a family and raising kids. You just can't make that happy and be happy about it. There are things you can do to increase the chance of things starting, by putting yourself out there but…

Ultimately you can't say “If I go out three times a week for 34 weeks then I'll be married” though. There is no mathematical equation for the most important things in life. They are just things that seem to happen. Sometimes it can literally take a lifetime to find them.

So I've been trying to find some goals that I can work toward. Some nice, simple, concrete goals. Little things like “Really, no, REALLY hang those curtains. Seriously! I meant it this time.” Although the are starting to sound more like mandates than goals.

The day before my birthday I went to the doctor. I was going there to finally get the test results for the vial after vial of blood that they took out of me. All is well. She had one slightly negative things to say, apparently my folate intake is down. As far as I can tell that means I need to eat more vegetables. Well… I already knew that. As soon as they make some vegetables that taste better. The other thing that stood out was my cholesterol. Apparently my cholesterol is excellent. In her words “You have no cholesterol.”

So what do I do when I find out I have no cholesterol? I go out and by bacon and eggs and chow down on a giant old fashioned breakfast

Work is pulling me away…

So I went to check out some more music tonight. This place wasn't as nice as the last place. It was another hole in the wall without a sign as well. I guess that's how they do things here.

Basically my friend and I were walking down the street looking for it and it went like this; shop, shop, store, restaurant, brickwall with door, shop, store, shop restaurant; realized we had gone to far; walked back hole in the brickwall. That was the club.

Now this club was small. Walking into it and up the steps made me feel like I was in my old junior high. Going into the actual performance area made me feel like I was at a junior high dance, only worse. Basically the stage was covered with faded red velvet. The side walls of the room were covered with faded black velvet. There were a half dozen tables down each side of the room and the rest was just a big open space. I guess they were expecting a bunch of people who didn't ever show up.

There were three bands playing but we only stayed for the first two since the metro closes down a little after midnight and we didn't want to cab it.

The first act was horrendous. It was called Alex and Sebastien. If you ever get a chance to see them, turn in the other direction and run far, far, FAR away. They opened up with a three, five, eight, twenty minute intro? I have no idea really. It sounded so bad it was unending torment. Then they slipped into a song that made me feel like I was somewhere under the sea with that singing crab from the little mermaid. Shortly after that one of the guys pulled out a triangle and started playing it, along with the already going bass, keyboards, drums, two violins and guitar. Then they finally said the only thing that sounded good to my ears at all, that they were only going to play one more song. Then they jumped into a country song that morphed into a 13 minute medley of waterous torcher that sounded like a giant space whale being bludgeoned to death by cosmic fiddles.

After that a band called Limited Express (Has Gone?) took the stage. From seeing the three of them on stage, a small Japanese woman and two Japanese guys you would never expect what happened to happen. From the firs touch of pick to string they three of them just lost it completely! It was insane! It was wild! It was awesome and fun! For the next 30+ minutes all you could see, hear and feel were these crazy Japanese rockers absolutely blowing the first band out of the water. The whole place stood up and moved toward the stage. Feet were tapping, legs were twitching, hands were clapping. It was like Rammstein (spelling?) only led by a crazy five foot tall Japanese woman. They were jumping all over the stage, pointing at the crowd, jumping off of the stage, going over and up and down from chairs, screaming like mad and making beautiful metal music. Someone at the venue noted afterward that they had never seen so many people there with smiles on their faces or so caught up in a show. If you get a chance to see Limited Express (Has Gone?), just do it. It's loud, it's wild, it will rock you.

I'm good for you
In a broken way
Like when a lamp shade shatters
It's the light that matters
Everything is torn apart
In the beat of a desperate heart
The pieces won't go back together
You just sweep up the glass dust
Live with the bare light
Build some new trust
I used to be one of your heroes
From everything to nothing
In far less than zero
Faster than light
I was supporting you
You were fixing me
It was working so well for us
Or at least I thought it was
I really am good for you
In a broken way
You're right for me
In too many ways
You scare me
Or maybe I'm just afraid of what you offer
Now with the lamp shade broken
The shadows are gone
Pure light has burned away our illusions
Maybe it's just me
But I'm slowly filling with confusion
To steal a line from a favourite song
I never felt alone until I met you
The bright colours have all faded
The world is monochromatic blue
Everything feels so cold without you
You made everything feel like a dream
My beautiful bed, so soft and wonderful
That place that used to be a haven
It barely gets used anymore
I sleep on the couch most nights
My bed is made for two
It feels so empty without you
I am good for you
In a broken way
Maybe I'm bad for you too
In a broken way
Or maybe I'm not and I can't see it
Maybe we need to find a new lamp shade
To make things like they used to be
Or maybe I'm just broken

Sometimes they hurt. The little things, the simple things, the once happy things. Sometimes they dig and claw and bend and break. The world is like that. Life has it's ways.

Sometimes they feel wonderful. The big things, the hard things, the once uncomfortable things. Sometimes they float and fly and jump and sing. The world
is like that. Life has it's ways.

I've been missing people. Lots of people. Some more than others. Some less as time passes. Some more as time elapses. I find myself wondering. Where are they? What are they doing? Are they happy? My big heart bleeds with wonder.

During the day the minutes feel like hours. During the night the hours feel like minutes. I hate this paradox. This way in which the fun moments are so fleeting and the unwanted moments stretch, and stretch, and streeeeeeeeeeetch.

I want something simple. It's so simple that it's hard. It's so hard that it feels unlikely. It's so unlikely that it seems impossible. So simply impossible.

She exists. I know she does. I can feel it in the magic moments between waking and sleeping and sleeping and waking. The missing piece. The one who carries with her the rest of my soul. That person who is broken in just the right way to fit together with me.

I will teach her to see the world through my eyes. To see the beauty and to find the good in everything. She will teach me about myself and freedom and so many other things I can't even fathom.

We will share all of our moments. The cold ones, the warm ones. I will hold her when she needs to be held. I will let her go when she needs to be free. I will push her when she needs to be pushed. I will stop her when she needs to be
stopped. She will do all of the same for me.

It won't always be easy. Who would want it to be? Where is the sense of accomplishment, of achievement, if something is easy? It will be worth it. It will last.

How did I get here? It has been such a strange day. Most recently puncuated by the fact that I bought a Kit-Kat. Mmmmmm. All I could think was “Kit-Kat. I can't wait to eat that.” Then I opened it, and it looked good. Then I bit into
it, but it didn't crunch. There was no wafer. Only chocolate. So sad… I threw it away. The chocolate was fine, but not what I wanted. I wanted a chocolate coated wafer.

I blame it all on chocolate milk. I love it, love it, love it. It doesn't like me though. It makes me feel all weird and bad most of the time. Mmmmmm, I should go buy some.

My mind is missing some key ingredient these past few days. It must be sleep, or maybe rest. They two are not neccesarily exclusive, neither are they neccesarily inclusive. In my case, they don't normally come together.

Be well friends.

Philosophy trounced by chocolate yet again.